Let’s Talk About Loneliness

When someone asks if I'm an introvert or an extrovert, I say I'm an extrovert with social anxiety. I want deeper connections, I want to laugh and joke with close friends and even to comfort each other in the tough times, but people terrify me! So it makes sense that I would pick a career working with people! How does he do it?

When I've gone to functions, I find myself hovering around the edges, chatting politely if approached, and really struggling to initiate anything. I end up doing a lap or two around the room, stand in a corner, and then leave early to go home and watch Netflix or play a video game. Anything to distract me from that feeling of isolation and rejection.

Sound familiar? If so, you’re not alone (even if it feels that way). Loneliness has become a quiet epidemic. Despite having more ways to stay “connected” than ever before, many of us feel disconnected, isolated, and unsure of how to change it.

So, how do we deal with loneliness in a way that doesn’t involve just distracting ourselves or pretending it doesn’t exist? Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) has some tools to help! It’s a great framework that helps us to stop fighting our emotions, reconnect with what truly matters, and take real steps toward a more fulfilling life.

Let’s break it down.

Step 1: Accept That Loneliness Is a Normal Part of Life

One of the biggest mistakes I make when I am feeling lonely is trying to push the feeling away. I tell myself, You shouldn’t feel this way. You have a good life! Stop being so dramatic! But the more I resist, the worse it gets.

ACT teaches that fighting painful emotions often makes them stronger. Instead of resisting loneliness, we need to accept it—not in a “this is my fate” kind of way, but in a way that allows us to acknowledge it without judgment.

Try This:

Next time you feel lonely, pause. Take a deep breath. Notice what the loneliness feels like in your body—tightness in your chest, heaviness in your stomach, maybe a restless energy.
Instead of labeling it as “bad,” try saying to yourself, Okay, loneliness is here. That’s okay. It’s just an emotion. It will pass.
Remind yourself: Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you’re broken. It just means you’re human.

When I stopped seeing loneliness as something to “fix” and instead allowed myself to experience it, I realized it wasn’t as unbearable as I had imagined. And more importantly, I saw it as a signal—telling me that I needed more connection in my life.

Step 2: Don’t Believe Everything Your Mind Tells You

Loneliness has a sneaky way of warping our thoughts. I used to tell myself:

No one really wants to hang out with me, why would they?
Everyone already has their friend groups—they don't need me butting in.
I don't really need more friends, I'll be fine on my own.

Sound familiar? These thoughts feel real, but they’re often just stories our minds create. ACT introduces a concept called cognitive defusion, which helps us step back from unhelpful thoughts and see them for what they are—just words, not facts.

Try This:

When a negative thought about loneliness pops up, say to yourself: Oh, there goes my mind, telling me that I’m unlovable again.
Instead of saying, I’ll always be alone, try saying, I’m having the thought that I’ll always be alone. This tiny shift helps you create distance from the thought instead of getting tangled in it.
Imagine your negative thoughts as a radio station playing in the background—you don’t have to tune in.

Once I started questioning my own loneliness-fueled narratives, I realized something: They weren’t true. People weren’t avoiding me—I was avoiding them out of fear of rejection.

Step 3: Get Out of Your Head and Into the Moment

One thing I noticed during my loneliest phase? I was constantly caught up in my own head. Whenever I was in social situations, instead of being present, I was analyzing everything: Am I talking too much? Do they actually want me here?

ACT emphasizes mindfulness, which is just a fancy way of saying: Pay attention to what’s actually happening instead of getting lost in your thoughts.

Try This:

Next time you’re with people, challenge yourself to focus on them rather than your own worries.
Notice small details—how they smile when they talk about something they love, how their voice changes when they tell a joke.
If you’re alone, practice being present in everyday activities. Feel the warmth of your coffee cup, listen to the sounds outside your window, breathe deeply.

When I started doing this, I realized how often my own overthinking was getting in the way of connection. As I become better at being present, I find that I actually enjoy being with people when I stop trying to figure out if they like me or not. I'm me, I function way better just being me than I ever will trying to be what I think someone else wants me to be.

Step 4: Shift Your Identity—You Are Not “A Lonely Person”

It's easy to focus on words like introvert vs. extrovert, shy vs. outgoing. If you're like me, none of these really fit.

ACT introduces the idea of self-as-context, which means you are not defined by your emotions or past experiences. Just because you feel lonely now doesn’t mean you’re destined to be lonely forever.

Try This:

Instead of saying, I’m lonely, say, I’m experiencing loneliness.
Make a list of times in your life when you’ve felt connected, even if it was brief—this reminds you that connection is possible for you.
Visualize yourself six months from now, living a life filled with connection. What small steps can you take today to move toward that vision?

This shift in mindset helps to see loneliness as a temporary experience, not a permanent identity.

Step 5: Take Small Steps Toward Connection

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: Overcoming loneliness isn't going to just magically happen one day. You have to DO things. You have to ACT (see what I did there?). It’s easy to fall into the trap of waiting—waiting for someone to invite you, for the “right” moment, for your confidence to magically appear. But connection is built through small, intentional steps. If we wait for our fairy godfriend to show up with a magic wand, we will be waiting forever.

Try This:

Reach out to an old friend, even if it feels awkward.
Join a local class, club, or hobby group—something aligned with your interests.
Say yes to invitations, even when you feel like staying home.
Start conversations, even small ones—at work, in your neighborhood, in the checkout line.

As we take these steps, it can be easy to fall into more cognitive fusion, if that happens go back to step 2. Instead of “I haven't talked to that person for forever, it will be so awkward to just text them out of nowhere” try “I'm having the thought that texting this person will be awkward”.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone in Feeling Lonely

If you’re struggling with loneliness right now, I want you to know this: There is nothing wrong with you.

Loneliness isn’t a personal failure—it’s a sign that you’re craving more connection, which is one of the most human needs of all. And the good news? There are ways to bridge the gap and start building real connection.

By accepting your feelings, challenging negative thoughts, staying present, and taking small, meaningful actions, you can work toward building real connections. It won’t happen overnight, but every step counts. It's unlikely that you will be able to use these tools to walk into a room full of people and make everyone your friend. But what they can do, is make it easier to take that first step.

So, what’s one small thing you can do today to move toward connection?