Navigating Holiday Grief After Leaving High-Demand Religion

Holidays, whether those that get a lot of mainstream fanfare or those that are more a part of lesser-know cultural tradition, can be a time of joy, togetherness, and tradition—but for those who have left high-demand religions, it can also be a time of deep grief and disconnection. Even if your faith community caused harm or no longer aligns with your values, the loss of holiday practices can be accompanied by grief. You may find yourself mourning not just relationships, but also the structure, rituals, and sense of belonging that once shaped your world.

For LGBTQ+ folks, religious messages regarding our identities adds another layer. Many of us grew up in religious communities that told us our existence was wrong, that love should come with conditions, and that acceptance was something we had to earn through self-denial. Some of us lost family, community, and entire support systems when we came out. Others tried to stay in the religion they grew up with, hoping to be loved as they were, only to realize that belonging required erasure. If this is your experience, know that your grief is real, and you are not alone.

The Hidden Grief of Religious Deconstruction

Religious trauma is often accompanied by an unspoken grief. You might experience a mourning for the life you thought you’d have, the certainty that once gave you comfort, or even the version of yourself that no longer exists. The holidays can amplify this grief. While others gather with family or celebrate in ways that feel deeply familiar, you may feel unmoored, longing for connection but struggling to find where you belong.

Common Grief Experiences After Leaving High-Demand Religion

Grief isn’t only about losing people. It can involve losing identities, communities, and ways of understanding the world. Here are some common types of grief experienced after religious deconstruction:

Grieving lost relationships – Leaving a high-demand faith can mean losing friends, family, and mentors who were once central to your life. Whether the loss was sudden or gradual, it can feel like a deep rupture, especially during the holidays when family gatherings are expected.
Grieving a sense of certainty – Religion often provides a clear sense of purpose, moral direction, and understanding of life’s biggest questions. Leaving can create a sense of groundlessness, where the structures that once provided security no longer exist.
Grieving traditions and rituals – Holidays, weddings, funerals, and other life events often come with religious or cultural traditions. Stepping away from faith can mean losing not just the belief system, but also the familiar practices that once provided comfort and meaning.
Grieving a former identity – If faith was a core part of how you saw yourself, leaving it can feel like losing a piece of your identity. The process of reconstructing who you are outside of religious labels can be both freeing and deeply unsettling.
Grieving missed experiences – Many people who leave high-demand religions reflect on what they lost along the way—whether it’s years spent suppressing parts of themselves, opportunities they never pursued, or relationships they were never allowed to fully embrace.

It’s important to remember that grief isn’t linear. Some days may feel lighter, while others bring an unexpected wave of sadness. There’s no timeline for healing, and however you experience grief during the holidays - or at any time of year - is valid.

Finally, if you are reading this as a person who has experienced deconstruction, or left a high-demand religion, without grief: that is also a completely valid experience. Some people share that gratitude, joy, and freedom are their primary experiences of leaving a former religion. Often grief is part of the mix, but not always. Whatever your experience: it is valid.

Reclaiming Meaning on Your Terms

The good news? Meaning is not limited to being something we inherit. It can be something we create. If the rituals of your past no longer fit, you have the power to shape new traditions that reflect who you are now.

Instead of forcing yourself into celebrations that feel hollow or triggering, consider what feels nourishing and restorative to you. That might mean:

Gathering with chosen family – A dinner with friends who see and accept you fully can be more meaningful than any forced holiday gathering.
Creating personal rituals – Lighting a candle for the parts of yourself you’ve grieved, writing a letter to your younger self, or even making a playlist of songs that resonate with your journey.
Volunteering or giving back – If your old traditions centered around service, you can still embody those values in ways that feel aligned with your ethics and autonomy.
Exploring nature-based or secular celebrations – Winter solstice, gratitude practices, or simply honoring the changing seasons can be powerful ways to mark the time.

Exploring Personal Values After Leaving Religion

One of the most powerful steps in healing from religious trauma is reconnecting with your own values, values that are yours, not imposed by an institution or belief system. Often, people leave high-demand religions because of their values: a commitment to truth, authenticity, justice, or personal freedom may have created internal conflict when those values were absent in their religion. Exploring your values that are genuinely your own, can be overwhelming and confusing when religious leaders or doctrine previously used the word "value" to dictate what they expected of you. Without the rigid structure of religious doctrine, it can be difficult to know where to begin in defining your own principles. While they are often conflated with "values" those rigid expectations are not representative of your personal values, they are representative of control, a defining dynamic of high-demand religion.

Here are some ways to explore your personal values:

Reflect on why you left – What beliefs, experiences, or realizations led you to step away? Often, the very reasons we leave are clues to what we truly care about.
Identify what resonates – What brings you a sense of fulfillment, connection, or purpose now? It may be relationships, creativity, activism, or simply the freedom to be yourself.
Examine past values with curiosity – Some religious values may no longer serve you, but others might still align with your principles. For example, if generosity or compassion were emphasized in your faith, you may choose to carry those values forward in a way that feels authentic to you.
Try a values clarification exercise – Write down a list of values that feel important to you now (e.g., autonomy, honesty, kindness, curiosity). Rank them in order of priority, and explore how you might embody these values in your daily life.

Values exploration can be an ongoing process, and there is no right or wrong way to define what matters to you. The key is that your values should feel like yours—not something dictated by fear, obligation, or external pressure.

Creating New Traditions That Align With Your Values

Once you have a clearer sense of your values, you can begin creating traditions that reflect them. Here are a few ways to build meaningful holiday rituals:

If connection is a core value – Host a gathering with chosen family or join a supportive community space where you can share this time with others.
If creativity is a core value – Start a tradition of making something each year—whether it’s writing a reflection, painting, cooking, or crafting.
If self-compassion is a core value – Allow yourself a quiet, restful holiday that honors your emotional needs rather than forcing yourself into traditional celebrations.
If justice is a core value – Support organizations that align with your ethics, volunteer for causes you care about, or create a tradition of giving back in a way that feels right for you.

The above list may or may not include the values that you've identified as being most important to you. You can bring your creativity to the process of creating new traditions that align with your values.

You Are Not Alone

One of the most painful parts of leaving a high-demand religion is the fear of isolation. But you are not alone. There is an entire community of exvangelicals, religious deconstructors, and spiritually fluid individuals who understand the grief, the complexity, and the longing for something more.

For LGBTQ+ folks, the need for safe, affirming spaces is even more profound. Many have found belonging in queer-affirming spiritual traditions, while others have stepped away from faith entirely. Both are valid. Whether you’ve rebuilt your spirituality, found meaning in human connection, or embraced a fully secular life, your path is yours to define.

Moving Forward with Compassion

During the holidays, give yourself permission to grieve, to feel joy, to create new meaning, or to simply exist without pressure. Healing from religious trauma isn’t linear, and neither is the process of reclaiming the holidays. However you choose to navigate this time, know that your experience is valid. Your path, whether spiritual, secular, or somewhere in between, is worthy of respect.

If this resonates with you, consider reaching out to others who are on similar journeys. Your healing doesn’t have to happen in isolation. Together, we can create spaces of belonging, authenticity, and celebration that honor who we truly are.

Helen Dempsey-Henofer LCSW, ADHD-CCSP

is a psychotherapist and founder at Divergent Path Wellness.

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