In every relationship, there are moments when we choose to stay silent rather than speak up, thinking it’s easier to avoid conflict. Maybe you’ve found yourself nodding along to plans you’re not excited about or agreeing to something just to keep the peace. We all have our reasons—whether it’s to avoid hurting someone’s feelings or simply to dodge a disagreement. But what happens when that silence leads to more misunderstanding than harmony? This is something I learned the hard way when a seemingly simple act of kindness—a batch of homemade cookies—became a lesson in the importance of honest communication.
What Happens with two People-Pleasing Partners in Relationships
I grew up in a home that was always busy, and someone always needed something. I found it easier to just fly under the radar and go with the flow. My wife grew up as a classic people-pleaser, always wanting to find special things she could do to make me smile. This can make things difficult when I struggle to say what I want or don’t want, as the case may be. She will wonder why I’m not opening up more, and I just want to make it to tomorrow without any problems. Then she decided to make me cookies.
The Cookie Conundrum: A Lesson in Communication
About 10 years ago, I learned I had celiac and needed to eat gluten-free. Being a lover of all baked goods, I was devastated. My wife, ever up for a challenge, was curious. She is a creator in many mediums and saw this as an opportunity to try something new. She decided to experiment and try making gluten-free cookies. She found a recipe for lemon shortbread cookies with lemon icing and dove in. I never understood why she settled on these cookies. You see, I don’t really like lemon, and that is a lot of lemon.
She played around with the recipe, making a few different batches using me and a few friends as taste testers. The first two batches were pretty rough, the texture was way off, but she finally nailed it on the third one. The texture was perfect. I complimented her on the texture and she beamed with excitement that she had found a recipe she could make for me when she wanted to do something special. She offered me another cookie and I declined, saying “I still don’t like the lemon flavor”. This was one of the rare occasions when I surprised some expletives out of my normally very cool-headed wife. She had worked her butt off to make those cookies thinking she was doing something nice.
Why Small Disagreements Matter
I never asked her to make me cookies or find a recipe, she just wanted to do something nice to cheer me up. Meanwhile, being the go-along I am, I never wanted to make a fuss and say I didn’t like the flavor. I didn’t want to stifle her creativity or hurt her feelings. Of course, I did exactly that in the end. Not because I didn’t like the flavor of the cookies, but because I let her put so much work into doing something for me without telling her it wouldn’t work. By trying to avoid conflict, I made things so much worse. Fortunately, we can laugh about this now, but what we had here was a failure to communicate.
This experience taught me that avoiding conflict often leads to bigger issues, especially in relationships. If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some tips for improving communication and fostering a healthier relationship:
1. Be Honest About Your Preferences:Whether it’s about cookies or bigger life decisions, expressing your likes and dislikes helps your partner understand your needs. Clear communication in relationships prevents misunderstandings and builds trust over time.
2. Don’t Assume Your Partner Knows What You Want:Your partner isn’t a mind reader. If you keep your thoughts to yourself, they might invest time and energy into something that doesn’t truly make you happy. Speaking up can save both of you from unnecessary frustration.
3. Address Small Issues Before They Become Big Problems:Avoiding conflict might seem easier in the moment, but unresolved issues can fester and lead to resentment. Healthy relationships thrive on open communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their concerns.
4. Embrace Vulnerability:Being vulnerable with your partner can be scary, but it’s essential for deepening your connection. Sharing your true feelings—even when it’s uncomfortable—helps build intimacy and understanding in your relationship.
5. Learn to Listen and Compromise:Effective communication in relationships isn’t just about speaking your mind; it’s also about listening to your partner’s perspective. Finding a balance between your needs and theirs is key to a successful partnership.
The Key to Long-Term Relationship Success: Vulnerability and Communication
We all grew up and learned how to navigate the world a little (or a lot) differently to get where we are today. When we are in a long-term relationship with someone, sometimes those strategies we taught ourselves mix together in just the wrong way and we end up hurting people we love even though it was never our intention. It can be hard to be vulnerable and share our hopes and desires, even with people we love and trust. But if we never tell our loved ones how we feel, then it’s our fault when we end up with cookies that no one really wants to eat.
Matthew Christensen MSW
Divergent Path Wellness
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